How the Trees on Summer Nights Turn into a Dark River

by Barbara Crooker

how you can never reach it, no matter how hard you try,
walking as fast as you can, but getting nowhere,
arms and legs pumping, sweat drizzling in rivulets;
each year, a little slower, more creaks and aches, less breath.
Ah, but these soft nights, air like a warm bath, the dusky wings
of bats careening crazily overhead, and you'd think the road
goes on forever. Apollinaire wrote, "What isn't given to love
is so much wasted," and I wonder what I haven't given yet.
A thin comma moon rises orange, a skinny slice of melon,
so delicious I could drown in its sweetness. Or eat the whole
thing, down to the rind. Always, this hunger for more. 

.via here.

December in Pictures

Someday when I have more than 15 minutes to spare, I'll write about how this Christmas was different from last year (and the 6 before that). I'll explain why this year I didn't feel the need to make mom's famous holly wreath cookies, why I didn't play nearly as much Christmas music, why I didn't feel sad and lonely on the one day of the year you're supposed to feel the happiest. This year was different in all the best ways-and someday I'll write about it-but for now I'll share pictures of our happy & spoiled & loved son, our hilarious friends (since high school), and our beautiful family.  

 

Litany

Litany

by Dana Gioia

This is a litany of lost things,
a canon of possessions dispossessed,
a photograph, an old address, a key.
It is a list of words to memorize
or to forget–of amo, amas, amat,
the conjugations of a dead tongue
in which the final sentence has been spoken.

This is the liturgy of rain,
falling on mountain, field, and ocean–
indifferent, anonymous, complete–
of water infinitesimally slow,
sifting through rock, pooling in darkness,
gathering in springs, then rising without our agency,
only to dissolve in mist or cloud or dew.

This is a prayer to unbelief,
to candles guttering and darkness undivided,
to incense drifting into emptiness.
It is the smile of a stone Madonna
and the silent fury of the consecrated wine,
a benediction on the death of a young god,
brave and beautiful, rotting on a tree.

This is a litany to earth and ashes,
to the dust of roads and vacant rooms,
to the fine silt circling in a shaft of sun,
settling indifferently on books and beds.
This is a prayer to praise what we become,
"Dust thou art, to dust thou shalt return."
Savor its taste–the bitterness of earth and ashes.

This is a prayer, inchoate and unfinished,
for you, my love, my loss, my lesion,
a rosary of words to count out time's
illusions, all the minutes, hours, days
the calendar compounds as if the past
existed somewhere–like an inheritance
still waiting to be claimed.

Until at last it is our litany, mon vieux,
my reader, my voyeur, as if the mist
steaming from the gorge, this pure paradox,
the shattered river rising as it falls–
splintering the light, swirling it skyward,
neither transparent nor opaque but luminous,
even as it vanishes–were not our life.

Fave Fave Fave

Just a few of my favorite black and white photos of my favorite subject; my favorite smile, my favorite laugh, my favorite hug, my favorite voice.

Better Late than Never-Hudson Turns Two

Something happened tonight that is so rare, so unexpected, I didn’t know it was even possible anymore…Hudson went to bed early!

Cue the HALLELUJAH choir!!!!!!!!!

Now I am faced with not ONE but TWO WHOLE hours to myself before bed.

THE CHOICES!!!

Workout? Read? Take a bath? Clean? Online Christmas shopping? Fold that pile of laundry staring me down across the room??? Finally paint my finger nails? Finish unpacking the office? Watch a movie for the first time in months?

NO-tonight I am catching up on this poor forgotten blog of mine-this blog that I have considered an adequate enough replacement for a baby book for my first born, that is, until we dropped off the face of the planet 4 months ago…

Hudson’s 2^nd birthday was in early October, better late than never!? 

I can’t tell you how excited we were to celebrate Hudson’s 2^nd birthday with all of his family and friends, in our own place, without having to drive back to Spokane the next day!

We hosted Hudson’s 2^nd big day a week after moving into our new place-which I was crazy to think would be anything less than highly stressful and I will never do again, but, hey it was all worth it!

Thanks to Pinterest and my party planning diva of a mama (man can that lady plan a party) we hosted Hudson’s 2^nd birthday Curious George style. It ended up being the perfect sunny day and he had a blast playing with his new friends from school, all of his family, and lots of our old friends from high school and their kids. I obviously didn’t learn my lesson after hosting his 1^st birthday-the one I snapped 2 whopping pictures at, which is why there are only a few pictures here to post, but maybe by his 3^rd I’ll get with the program!

We are now in the full swing of life with a TWO year old-and I am loving every.crazy.minute.of it.

Tonight, Hudson was running around the house giggling and squealing when we’d chase him, grabbing books to litter the living room floor with, wanting to play “choo choo” and saying “OH NO” when he put his hand across the track, spilling juice in the living room, lining up cars on the window sill, bouncing on his bed, pulling Sammy’s tail, getting into the cookie sheets in our cupboards, spilling juice in the kitchen, cracking up at my funny faces, asking to be held, asking for trucks, asking for more juice…

Though I appreciate the quiet time I get after he goes to bed, I can’t imagine my life without his energy, joy, curiosity, and innocence!!!

My New Life as a Working Mom

Well, hello!!! Long time! Four months to be exact...

and what a COMPLETELY LIFE CHANGING last few months we have had!!!

I've started this blog post about 8 times since August and I haven't been able to finish it because each time I start writing, my feelings on being a full time working mom after 2 years of being a SAHM change daily...maybe even hourly! Am I suddenly bi-polar? I SWEAR-in one draft of this post I said, "LIFE IS GOOD! In all realms!" In another I describe life now as being, "TOO DAMN HARD!"

And the confusing part is that both are true!!!

I have so many reasons to love being a working mom:

• I get to dress up every day and have a reason to take care of myself!
• I LOVE my job and I LOVE coming to work!
• Being away from my son makes me appreciate his presence SO much more-and it makes him appreciate me better as well. The time we spend together now is precious.
•  Hudson spends 3 days a week in preschool which has done wonders for his socialization skills-which honestly, had me worried. He is learning so much and he has FUN spending time playing with other kids! Most days Mr. Brady has to bribe him to leave school with a toy car or two...he usually doesn't want to leave.
• And I'm not gonna lie, I love getting a paycheck and not feeling so damn guilty when I stop at Starbucks every morning and buy Hudson a NEW pair of shoes. 

BUT then there's the hard part:

• There's never enough TIME! I have VERY limited time to do things for myself anymore-no more yoga during naptime, no more hour long daily walks (evident in the 10 pounds I've gained since August), I finally have extra cash for new clothes-but can't find the TIME to go shopping-oh the irony! And because I spend 45 hours away from my son each week, I feel guilty leaving him to do these things because I want to give him all of my free time. It's a realllll bummer at times and I am always wishing for a few more hours each day!
• My life is the most hurried it has been, EVER. The best example of this is the morning rush the three days a week H goes to preschool. Trying to get myself dressed, makeup applied, teeth brushed, breakfast and coffee prepped, AND getting a busy toddler dressed, teeth brushed, hair combed, lunch made, breakfast fed in the course of 30-45 minutes and out the door in time is a maddening, comical, stressful affair! Some mornings, H just wants to snuggle, wake up slowly, and begs me to read a book with him or "sit down" and watch Cars together...like the old days...and my heart breaks that I have to hurry him into shoes and run out the door. Luckily, my hours at work are a little flexible, and I tend to show up late those mornings so I can spend an extra 10-15 minutes trying my best to make him feel like the extra-special-loved-beyond-words boy that he is. After work I hurry home to make dinner in time, then it's an hour of play time, bath, and bed. I feel like the last few months have slipped away so quickly and the pace of our lives have sped up tenfold at least.
• Keeping up on household management, shopping, cleaning, laundry...well lets just say I NEED A MAID! I tend to spend my days off getting chores done as quickly as I can so I can spend the majority of my time with Hudson. 
• I constantly worry about finding the right balance of time Hudson spends at school vs. with me. Even though he always says "SURE!" when I ask if he wants to go to school, he has also shown signs of not getting enough mama time. He is now clingy to the MAX when we are at home-which probably has a lot to do with ALL the changes we have gone through in such a short time-but I also know it's because he misses spending every second of the day with me as much as I miss spending it with him. I think my ideal work week would be 32 hours/week max-and I'm working on making that happen.

I've decided the best way to make this lifestyle work for me and my family is to find the right balance between work/school and family. I've asked to cut my hours down to 30/week instead of 40 so I can spend more time with my boys. I've let the dirty dishes sit in the sink so I can take a bath and read a few chapters before bed. I'm planning on using my lunch hour to do a yoga class, go for a jog, get a manicure, or sit at a coffee shop...all the things I miss from my pre-career days!

Despite the difficulties of adjusting to our new crazy-busy lifestyle, moving home for this job is the best decision we've made all year-we are SO SO HAPPY to be HOME! It STILL feels too good to be true having both families 5 minutes away, being able to go on date nights with my hubby, being able to call up my best friends since high school (who are still the very best) to get a drink, being able to have dinner with my mom or breakfast with my in laws...AND this will be the first year since 2005 that we will be home for the holidays!!!!! My friends and family probably think I am crazy, because I am constantly telling them, "I've DREAMED about doing this with you for YEARS and I'm SO happy to finally be here with you!"

Yes, I have so much to be thankful for this year-I am pinching myself!
Hope your Thanksgiving is just as happy! xo

Three Cheers!

I don't even know how to start this post...

I don't know the word to use to describe the past 4 days...

Lucky

Blessed

Ecstatic

Relieved

Thankful

Remarkable

Life-changing

Nope-none of them do any sort of justice describing the amount of joy and gratitude I have felt the past few days. I guess stir them all together and multiply them by 100 and you're warm.

1. For starters, I found out after an ultrasound and later a biopsy that I don't have thyroid cancer. 

Holy f-ing shit balls!!!

Pardon my french-but I can't even believe I'm saying this-I can't believe I'm only 34 and have already had a scare with the dreaded C word!

NOTED, UNIVERSE...

 you have my full attention-take nothing for granted-not ONE SINGLE day-not ONE MOMENT-because you NEVER know what day will be your last-live life to the very fullest-GOT IT!!! I'm here and I'm listening, and I promise, I won't let you down!

more about this experience soon

2. Second, I reconciled/reconnected with a friend I was very close with before my pregnancy.

She saved me in a way (though she doesn't know it).
She put a lot of bright in my life and helped me believe in myself again after a really tough year and low point in my life. We were really close, shit happened, we had a falling out, and it hurt-bad.

After graduation, she moved, I had a baby, and then life happened and we completely lost touch.
After a recent reconciling and a few tears we met today for the first time in over 2 years.
Meeting with her and introducing her to Hudson was one of those harmonious, all is right with the world moments.After saying goodbye, that quote from Before Sunset came to mind, the one I understand more and more the older I get:

"I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times."

3. Last, but not least, I was offered that perfect design position in Boise!!! I'm finally moving home! No more lonely holidays, no more feeling so separate from the people I love the most in the world, no more searching or aimless wandering. Hudson will finally get to know his village! Almost exactly 7 years to the day I'll be driving back over the Blue Mountains-better dust off that John Denver c.d.!

2013-what a year you are proving to be!!! Cheers!