Thursday, November 3, 2011

32 going on 19

Today is a good day: I combed my hair and did a 10 minute makeup face...I feel like a supermodel.

This morning Hudson and I ended our 5-day-nothin-but-jammies-fest and donned actual clothing to meet up with WSU friends Jasmine and Kendra at a local coffee shop downtown. I don't know why, but I realized almost instantly after walking in that bringing a baby into a coffee shop isn't much better than bringing a baby to a bar. For the first time ever, I felt uncomfortable and old surrounded by TOMS wearing, study grouping, non-car-seat-toting young people...the clientele hadn't changed, but something in me had. My totally selfish twenties had given way to my now selfless thirties with the arrival of my BOJ, Hudson. I no longer felt like a 21 year old trapped in a 32 year-old's body...I definitely felt thirty something. Not that there is anything wrong with that (hey-I no longer have homework anddd I can rent a car!), it was just an unexpected, thought provoking experience. While I sat in the way back waiting for my friends to arrive I stared at my child's perfect face and wondered what 19 year-old Bonnie would think of her older 32 year-old self?

I think young Bonnie would be surprised to know she'll be living in SPOKANE Washington, of all places-I know she'd be a bit saddened to know that she was no longer 5 minutes away from her mom and brothers. 19 year old Bonnie imagined eventually living in Seattle working as a successful "business-woman" which is 19 year old talk for "I have no idea what I want to do when I get older". (I think I just used to like the idea of having an excuse to wear all the women's suits in the J.Crew catalog.) Given her rocky start in the "figure out what to do with the rest of your life" department, 19 year old Bonnie would really be pleased and proud to know that she went back to college after a realllly unsuccessful first semester and earned a degree (with honors) in a field that she actually loves and will gain fulfillment (not just a paycheck) from!!! 19 year old Bonnie would be PSYCHED to know she is a home owner, and the fact that it is an older home with loads of original charm would be the cherry on top! And I'll bet younger me would faint when older me told her what her 20's had in store: that she'd marry the guy she'd had a crush on since junior year of high school! And in her 30's...she would finally see Paris and become the mother of a beautiful son!!! But I think what I'd be the most proud to share with my younger/less wrinkled self is that the insecurity, awkwardness, & uncertainty she is carrying around from her pre-college years would someday be replaced by the kind of confidence & authenticity she had envied in people she looked up to most!

Among others, here are a few 32 year-old hopes for 40 year-old me...
  • There's no place like home...please let me end up 5 minutes away from my family again in the beautiful City of Trees!
  • Let my son be happy and healthy with a happy and healthy sibling...a little girl maybe???
  • Let me love my work by allowing me to do something that uses my degree and skills to benefit my community...that could involve healthcare/school/sustainable design or better yet-urban design/planning for public spaces...pretty please don't let me end up as a trophy kitchen designer.
  • Let the next 8 years continue to be a wealth of experiences and lessons learned. Let me continue to seek them out and appreciate the shit outta them! Let me not lose sight of the fact that money & things are not an indicator of happiness and success!!! And let me continue to learn and LOVE learning...especially now to learn with and learn from my son!
  • Oh, and a trip to Italy would be pretty great if you could squeeze it in... ;)

What would a conversation with teenage you sound like?

1 comment:

  1. Bonnie, you always awe me with your wit and insight. You have a gift, I hope writing a book is included in that conversation with your future self.

    I think my 19 year old self would be thoroughly baffled by where 40 year old me is and even more by where she's been. 19 year old Regina couldn't imagine how she was going to get out of little-town Idaho with her $4 an hr job training horses, I'm pretty sure she would laugh herself off the fence if I went back and told her she would spend years flying around the world and would walk on all 7 continents by the time she was 35. I think she'd be thrilled that she eventually went to design school, it's what she wanted to do but didn't know where to start back then.
    Thanks for sharing your though provoking story.