December in Pictures

Someday when I have more than 15 minutes to spare, I'll write about how this Christmas was different from last year (and the 6 before that). I'll explain why this year I didn't feel the need to make mom's famous holly wreath cookies, why I didn't play nearly as much Christmas music, why I didn't feel sad and lonely on the one day of the year you're supposed to feel the happiest. This year was different in all the best ways-and someday I'll write about it-but for now I'll share pictures of our happy & spoiled & loved son, our hilarious friends (since high school), and our beautiful family.  

 

Litany

Litany

by Dana Gioia

This is a litany of lost things,
a canon of possessions dispossessed,
a photograph, an old address, a key.
It is a list of words to memorize
or to forget–of amo, amas, amat,
the conjugations of a dead tongue
in which the final sentence has been spoken.

This is the liturgy of rain,
falling on mountain, field, and ocean–
indifferent, anonymous, complete–
of water infinitesimally slow,
sifting through rock, pooling in darkness,
gathering in springs, then rising without our agency,
only to dissolve in mist or cloud or dew.

This is a prayer to unbelief,
to candles guttering and darkness undivided,
to incense drifting into emptiness.
It is the smile of a stone Madonna
and the silent fury of the consecrated wine,
a benediction on the death of a young god,
brave and beautiful, rotting on a tree.

This is a litany to earth and ashes,
to the dust of roads and vacant rooms,
to the fine silt circling in a shaft of sun,
settling indifferently on books and beds.
This is a prayer to praise what we become,
"Dust thou art, to dust thou shalt return."
Savor its taste–the bitterness of earth and ashes.

This is a prayer, inchoate and unfinished,
for you, my love, my loss, my lesion,
a rosary of words to count out time's
illusions, all the minutes, hours, days
the calendar compounds as if the past
existed somewhere–like an inheritance
still waiting to be claimed.

Until at last it is our litany, mon vieux,
my reader, my voyeur, as if the mist
steaming from the gorge, this pure paradox,
the shattered river rising as it falls–
splintering the light, swirling it skyward,
neither transparent nor opaque but luminous,
even as it vanishes–were not our life.

Fave Fave Fave

Just a few of my favorite black and white photos of my favorite subject; my favorite smile, my favorite laugh, my favorite hug, my favorite voice.

Better Late than Never-Hudson Turns Two

Something happened tonight that is so rare, so unexpected, I didn’t know it was even possible anymore…Hudson went to bed early!

Cue the HALLELUJAH choir!!!!!!!!!

Now I am faced with not ONE but TWO WHOLE hours to myself before bed.

THE CHOICES!!!

Workout? Read? Take a bath? Clean? Online Christmas shopping? Fold that pile of laundry staring me down across the room??? Finally paint my finger nails? Finish unpacking the office? Watch a movie for the first time in months?

NO-tonight I am catching up on this poor forgotten blog of mine-this blog that I have considered an adequate enough replacement for a baby book for my first born, that is, until we dropped off the face of the planet 4 months ago…

Hudson’s 2^nd birthday was in early October, better late than never!? 

I can’t tell you how excited we were to celebrate Hudson’s 2^nd birthday with all of his family and friends, in our own place, without having to drive back to Spokane the next day!

We hosted Hudson’s 2^nd big day a week after moving into our new place-which I was crazy to think would be anything less than highly stressful and I will never do again, but, hey it was all worth it!

Thanks to Pinterest and my party planning diva of a mama (man can that lady plan a party) we hosted Hudson’s 2^nd birthday Curious George style. It ended up being the perfect sunny day and he had a blast playing with his new friends from school, all of his family, and lots of our old friends from high school and their kids. I obviously didn’t learn my lesson after hosting his 1^st birthday-the one I snapped 2 whopping pictures at, which is why there are only a few pictures here to post, but maybe by his 3^rd I’ll get with the program!

We are now in the full swing of life with a TWO year old-and I am loving every.crazy.minute.of it.

Tonight, Hudson was running around the house giggling and squealing when we’d chase him, grabbing books to litter the living room floor with, wanting to play “choo choo” and saying “OH NO” when he put his hand across the track, spilling juice in the living room, lining up cars on the window sill, bouncing on his bed, pulling Sammy’s tail, getting into the cookie sheets in our cupboards, spilling juice in the kitchen, cracking up at my funny faces, asking to be held, asking for trucks, asking for more juice…

Though I appreciate the quiet time I get after he goes to bed, I can’t imagine my life without his energy, joy, curiosity, and innocence!!!

My New Life as a Working Mom

Well, hello!!! Long time! Four months to be exact...

and what a COMPLETELY LIFE CHANGING last few months we have had!!!

I've started this blog post about 8 times since August and I haven't been able to finish it because each time I start writing, my feelings on being a full time working mom after 2 years of being a SAHM change daily...maybe even hourly! Am I suddenly bi-polar? I SWEAR-in one draft of this post I said, "LIFE IS GOOD! In all realms!" In another I describe life now as being, "TOO DAMN HARD!"

And the confusing part is that both are true!!!

I have so many reasons to love being a working mom:

• I get to dress up every day and have a reason to take care of myself!
• I LOVE my job and I LOVE coming to work!
• Being away from my son makes me appreciate his presence SO much more-and it makes him appreciate me better as well. The time we spend together now is precious.
•  Hudson spends 3 days a week in preschool which has done wonders for his socialization skills-which honestly, had me worried. He is learning so much and he has FUN spending time playing with other kids! Most days Mr. Brady has to bribe him to leave school with a toy car or two...he usually doesn't want to leave.
• And I'm not gonna lie, I love getting a paycheck and not feeling so damn guilty when I stop at Starbucks every morning and buy Hudson a NEW pair of shoes. 

BUT then there's the hard part:

• There's never enough TIME! I have VERY limited time to do things for myself anymore-no more yoga during naptime, no more hour long daily walks (evident in the 10 pounds I've gained since August), I finally have extra cash for new clothes-but can't find the TIME to go shopping-oh the irony! And because I spend 45 hours away from my son each week, I feel guilty leaving him to do these things because I want to give him all of my free time. It's a realllll bummer at times and I am always wishing for a few more hours each day!
• My life is the most hurried it has been, EVER. The best example of this is the morning rush the three days a week H goes to preschool. Trying to get myself dressed, makeup applied, teeth brushed, breakfast and coffee prepped, AND getting a busy toddler dressed, teeth brushed, hair combed, lunch made, breakfast fed in the course of 30-45 minutes and out the door in time is a maddening, comical, stressful affair! Some mornings, H just wants to snuggle, wake up slowly, and begs me to read a book with him or "sit down" and watch Cars together...like the old days...and my heart breaks that I have to hurry him into shoes and run out the door. Luckily, my hours at work are a little flexible, and I tend to show up late those mornings so I can spend an extra 10-15 minutes trying my best to make him feel like the extra-special-loved-beyond-words boy that he is. After work I hurry home to make dinner in time, then it's an hour of play time, bath, and bed. I feel like the last few months have slipped away so quickly and the pace of our lives have sped up tenfold at least.
• Keeping up on household management, shopping, cleaning, laundry...well lets just say I NEED A MAID! I tend to spend my days off getting chores done as quickly as I can so I can spend the majority of my time with Hudson. 
• I constantly worry about finding the right balance of time Hudson spends at school vs. with me. Even though he always says "SURE!" when I ask if he wants to go to school, he has also shown signs of not getting enough mama time. He is now clingy to the MAX when we are at home-which probably has a lot to do with ALL the changes we have gone through in such a short time-but I also know it's because he misses spending every second of the day with me as much as I miss spending it with him. I think my ideal work week would be 32 hours/week max-and I'm working on making that happen.

I've decided the best way to make this lifestyle work for me and my family is to find the right balance between work/school and family. I've asked to cut my hours down to 30/week instead of 40 so I can spend more time with my boys. I've let the dirty dishes sit in the sink so I can take a bath and read a few chapters before bed. I'm planning on using my lunch hour to do a yoga class, go for a jog, get a manicure, or sit at a coffee shop...all the things I miss from my pre-career days!

Despite the difficulties of adjusting to our new crazy-busy lifestyle, moving home for this job is the best decision we've made all year-we are SO SO HAPPY to be HOME! It STILL feels too good to be true having both families 5 minutes away, being able to go on date nights with my hubby, being able to call up my best friends since high school (who are still the very best) to get a drink, being able to have dinner with my mom or breakfast with my in laws...AND this will be the first year since 2005 that we will be home for the holidays!!!!! My friends and family probably think I am crazy, because I am constantly telling them, "I've DREAMED about doing this with you for YEARS and I'm SO happy to finally be here with you!"

Yes, I have so much to be thankful for this year-I am pinching myself!
Hope your Thanksgiving is just as happy! xo

Three Cheers!

I don't even know how to start this post...

I don't know the word to use to describe the past 4 days...

Lucky

Blessed

Ecstatic

Relieved

Thankful

Remarkable

Life-changing

Nope-none of them do any sort of justice describing the amount of joy and gratitude I have felt the past few days. I guess stir them all together and multiply them by 100 and you're warm.

1. For starters, I found out after an ultrasound and later a biopsy that I don't have thyroid cancer. 

Holy f-ing shit balls!!!

Pardon my french-but I can't even believe I'm saying this-I can't believe I'm only 34 and have already had a scare with the dreaded C word!

NOTED, UNIVERSE...

 you have my full attention-take nothing for granted-not ONE SINGLE day-not ONE MOMENT-because you NEVER know what day will be your last-live life to the very fullest-GOT IT!!! I'm here and I'm listening, and I promise, I won't let you down!

more about this experience soon

2. Second, I reconciled/reconnected with a friend I was very close with before my pregnancy.

She saved me in a way (though she doesn't know it).
She put a lot of bright in my life and helped me believe in myself again after a really tough year and low point in my life. We were really close, shit happened, we had a falling out, and it hurt-bad.

After graduation, she moved, I had a baby, and then life happened and we completely lost touch.
After a recent reconciling and a few tears we met today for the first time in over 2 years.
Meeting with her and introducing her to Hudson was one of those harmonious, all is right with the world moments.After saying goodbye, that quote from Before Sunset came to mind, the one I understand more and more the older I get:

"I guess when you're young, you just believe there'll be many people with whom you'll connect with. Later in life, you realize it only happens a few times."

3. Last, but not least, I was offered that perfect design position in Boise!!! I'm finally moving home! No more lonely holidays, no more feeling so separate from the people I love the most in the world, no more searching or aimless wandering. Hudson will finally get to know his village! Almost exactly 7 years to the day I'll be driving back over the Blue Mountains-better dust off that John Denver c.d.!

2013-what a year you are proving to be!!! Cheers!

Doin' it Right

My favorite thing this week:

+++++

Doin' it right
Everybody will be dancing
And will feeling it right
Everybody will be dancing
And 'be doin' it right
Everybody will be dancing
When we're feeling alright
Everybody will be dancing tonight

If you do it right
Let it go all night
Shadows on you break
Out into the light

If you lose your way tonight
That's how you know the magic's right
If you lose your way tonight
That's how you know the magic's right  

 +++++

These lyrics give me goosebumps because in my weird way they capture my absolute  

excitement & anticipation 

of a Boise job offer (1 interview to go-fingers SO crossed) and upcoming move.
My heart is literally bursting with happiness.

Moving home will bring the last 8 years full circle...at this moment nothing could feel more right.

This song also gives me mental images of busting a move...dancing the robot with my mom and brothers-who I love and miss more than words. Thinking of this makes me smile huge and isn't too far off an activity we'd *par-ti-ci-pate in.

*said with acompanying robotic arm swing

+via here+

New Old Fave: Jessie Baylin

It's been a while Jessie Baylin. 6 years to be exact. Leave Your Mark was one of those special songs from back in the day that I played 100 million times or more.

I can't tell you how happy I am to come across some new(ish) goods from you...these in particular.

1 down, 33 to go

Remember my Thirty Four of Thirty Four?

It's already been over one month since I created my 34 list and I can finally mark one off!!! It's apparent that I'm going to have to kick it into high gear if I plan on actually finishing! Some creative combining perhaps? I could wear red lipstick WHILE painting something with abandon ALL WHILE spending the entire day in silence! BOOM-done!

Tonight I made my favorite Indian dish: aloo palak with basmati rice. 

17. Cook an authentic Indian dish done and done!

+recipe & picture via here+

If you didn't already know this about me, I don't cook.

Or, I mean, I try, but unless it's mac and cheese from a box or spaghetti from a jar, I screw it up somehow and it ends up in the garbage, money and time wasted. A girl with zero cooking skills whipping up an Indian dish seemed impossible   disastrous  challenging & rewarding-hence it made it to the 34 List.

So, yeah, I'm a little proud of myself tonight.

Don't get me wrong, It was NO Taste of India-that's for SURE, but it turned out like the picture and I didn't murder it...it was edible and my house smells deliciously fragrant and exotic from all the spices.

Hudson's Favorite Word

Hudson's vocab is expanding! But I definitely see us moving one step forward & two steps back. 

A month ago after visits from talking cousins H surprised us by becoming an instant chatterbox! Now we've settled on a couple favorite discernible words and lots & lots of jibberish.

Fave word of the moment and the one used to describe any moving thing with wheels:

TRUCK!

And yes, it's a word he says in all caps. Everything is "TRUCK!!!!!" but in Hudson speak it sounds more like "TRUH!"

Other words of note:

Red

Blue

Green

Yellow

Wow

Meow

Moo

Arf

Rawr-it's a word ya'll

Dada

This

What's this?

One part of parenting I can't wait for is finding out what my kiddos are interested in and fostering their passions...so trucks it is for now! We've been reading books about trucks and we've been visiting the school being built near our house so he can look at all the trucks. In awe. TRUH!

Trains are "TRUCKS!"

NEW VW!

No, not this...

+via here+

I WISH!

Someday, hippie-VW-camper-with-wreath-of-sunflowers-picked-from-the-meadow-I-just-danced-in, you will be mine.  

Oh yes, you will be mine!

I mean the new Vampire Weekend album Modern Vampires of the City which I've recently discovered a month and a half after everyone else on the planet.

But this may come as exciting news to any fellow hermit music junkies who live under rocks out there. 

After pouring over every lyric, I was surprised to find that this album is seemingly mostly about politics & religion. Until this album it's been a while (since Rufus Wainwright's Going To A Town) that I've been really moved (politically speaking and not specifically one way or the other) by a contemporary song...this album has a few.

A few faves:  

Step 

Don't Lie - These lyrics:

"I want to know - does it bother you?
The low click of a ticking clock
There's a lifetime/headstone right in front of you
And everyone I know"

"It's the last time running through snow
Cause the fire can't last and the winter is cold"

This song is a new daily listen.

Hudson, which is just hauntingly beautiful, bears my sons name, & whose enigmatic lyrics will definitely find me hitting repeat. A lot. 

Laura Marling

Combine the smokey vocals of Norah Jones, poetic lyrics of Bob Dylan+Joni Mitchell and the bite of Fiona Apple and you have Laura Marling, the latest artist I'll be binge listening to the next time I'm in need of that perfect melancholy song fix.

Particular fave: Love Caster. It's basically magic, people, but I love all 4 songs following...

Father's Day

As a child, I never knew what it was to have a supportive, hands-on, loving dad.

Mine wasn't around for most of my childhood. I don't harbor any bad feelings towards him for it-in fact, I think it was better that way. He was busy dealing with his own issues and luckily my mom gave us LOVE enough that we didn't feel like we were missing out...most of the time.

I do remember feeling jealous of my friends who had great relationships with their dads. I wanted that for myself, but I mostly wanted it for my brother. It made me sad to know that he was growing up without a father figure-someone to teach him how to throw a ball and how to fish...but my brother grew up surrounded by women, which might explain why his house is neat and decorated and he never got into sports.

We always want better for our own babes, and growing up I dreamed about my future family (the one I'd have whilst working as a decorator, wearing J. Crew suits in the heart of Seattle) The man I would marry and start a family with would be responsible, loving, supportive, funny, kind, patient, inspiring, playful and most of all hands-on.

I totally nailed it with Mister B. (who has been begging me for kiddos for at least 10 years). From day one, this man has spoiled Hudson with such crazy LOVE that this little boy will never wonder if his father loves him or is proud of him. Mister B. is the definition of "amazing father" in my book. Besides the list of criteria above he is protective, proud, helpful, tender.

Today I'm thankful for this man! Happy Father's Day indeed!

Blog the Obscure

Well hello there my obscure little blog, long time.
I feel I owe you an explanation as to why I've neglected you for an entire month...
here are my top 3 reasons:

1. This is how I've felt over the last few weeks in regards to having motivation and/or overall energy to do anything above and beyond meeting the basic needs of my son (and that's even iffy) and sometimes myself and Mr. B.

Lately, my M.O. has been eating carbs all day in my bathrobe, napping, listening to Daft Punk and electronica on repeat, and occasionally walking barefoot through the rose garden. This is far from my ush...I normally don't know how to relax but I admit I kindof-almost-sorta like it (although my bigger/better belly pooch disagrees).

2. It's probably best I conserved all that energy, I needed it to prep for 2 interviews, find my lost portfolio-buried in the depths of junk we don't need or use piled in the basement, and deal with the emotional roller coaster ride I've been on the last week.

A week ago the impossible happened: I was offered an interior design position in Spokane. I know, I know, I've been talking so much about moving to Boise, but I applied and interviewed for some much needed practice with no expectation of actually getting it. I was so shocked/excited when I was actually offered the job that I accepted and ordered a cosmic brownie (which I would have anyway-who are we kidding) to celebrate @ The Elk.

The reality settled in a few days later as I met with childcare providers for H...full time childcare providers. As I drove away from one provider's house I imagined the horror of dropping him off with a stranger for a full day away from me and bawled my eyes out the rest of the night. As exciting as designing kitchens and baths was (and if I didn't have a kiddo I would have done it hands down) this decision didn't feel right...it made me anxious, afraid, and uncomfortable...and ultimately it wasn't what I wanted most-to get home.

 

Don't cry for me argentina, since then, I've had a successful phone interview for THE PERFECT entry level design position in Boise and am scheduled for a second interview next week. I'm hopeful for, and most of all, extremely at peace with this prospect. Also very excited to take Hudson daily to spend time with his Granny and my long lost BFF Miss Allyson at the preschool he will attend in Boise.

3. My poor babe has been sick. For the first time in his life, Hudson was really sick. 102 fever, vomit (all over me-fun times), clingy, fussy, can't sleep, SICK! He's on the mend now, but for a few days we did nothing but snuggle on the couch watching Sesame Street and Alice in Wonderland. It was a total bummer...I hate not being able to take away my little one's pain! 

In conclusion: I still love you blog, even if you are mediocre and read by very few one.

Here's hoping for many more completely random posts to come.

Lately

Lately...

We've settled into a days-merging-into-each-other-post-winter bliss. Park visiting, shorts wearing, flower sniffing, down-hill-running bliss.

We start mommy group tomorrow (one of my 34 marked off the list). 

We are in the beginning stages of seriously planning our move back to "The City of Trees" (laughable, because Spokane has at least one million more trees than Boise-or so it seems) which will perhaps occur as soon as late summer/early fall. It was silly for me to doubt the need for us to go home...but I'm sentimental and clingy, and for whatever reason the idea of permanently leaving this city has me feeling like a bit of an emotional wreck. Ostensibly I came here to study design, but in this city I've learned more about myself than floor-plans hands down...my heart, my values, my capabilities, my hard as a rock strengths, my down on my knees darkest day weaknesses. In this city I've become my own rock. I've been hardened and then softened...This city hosted the best and worst (and best again) days OF MY LIFE. This temporary home that I never ever would have believed I'd become so attached to saw me achieve what I doubted I ever could; saw me work harder and with more passion than I had ever before. Lately I see the past 7 years flashing before my eyes and it all overwhelms me with emotion. *Cue Ray LaMontagne's Jolene which has been on repeat for the past week (no idea why-perhaps the depth of feeling I love so in his voice and the mention of Spokane in the lyrics) and tissues.

But that's not what you came here to read...bring on the pictures of the cutie cute toddler picking dandelions!

Hudson lately...

can say "yellow"

requests Miss Spider's Tea Party all day

Loves running down hills

Would stay all day in the green swing at Manito if I let him

Climbs in his stroller all day wanting to go for a walk

Randomly runs up and tightly hugs my legs throughout the day *heart melts

Wouldn't give the horchata back to dad

Fave book of the moment

Daddy airplane

Running down the hills

Lunch out. Sun-kissed hair.

On our after dinner walk-a little swinging before bed

Mother's Day and not excited to hold still for a picture

He LOVED driving dads work van

I showed him how to blow the dandelions which he interpreted as putting them in his mouth

Curated: Neil Krug

These capture this weeks vibe: saturated, vibrant, & hot-hot-hot. I can't choose a fave...via Neil Krug. 

Images via neilkrug.com

Thirty Four

 This month I turn the big 3-4.

I never make a fuss about my birthday, I don't even remember what I did for my b-day last year, or the year before, or the year before that...

However, as of late I'm on this BIG "self love" kick (more on this soonish) thanks to some really magnificent recent reads. Self-Love is so foreign to me; I feel I've practically been brought up to self-deprecate, confusing that with humility, but this birthday is not going ignored as per usual, there's a whole lotta love this year and I'm kind of making a deal about it.

And by "making a deal about it", I mean cake and flowers and iced coffee and a present or five, but more than that, I mean celebrating my entire 34th year. This year I am so thankful to be alive and I want this year to be the most memorable and special one yet by doing things (big and small and ridonc) that I've always wanted to do, some things that scare me, some things I'm pissing my pants excited to do, and mostly I want to appreciate the opportunity I have to do them.

My Thirty Four of Thirty Four*
*not a bucket list, in no particular order, and I've intentionally left a few blank to fill in later

1. Take a belly dancing class
2. Spend an entire day in silence
3. Stay at a Bed and Breakfast
4. Go to a movie alone
5. (Finally) join a book club
6. Join or start a mommy group
7. Seriously take up hiking...I'm talkin' boots, cargo shorts, and baby hiking carrier
8. Establish a grown-up skin care regimen
9. Invest in quality makeup
10. Paint something with abandon
11. Write and illustrate a book for Hudson
12. Write a letter to the daughter I don't have (yet)
13. VOLUNTEER
14. Take a cooking class with Mr. B.
15. Get my first tattoo
16. Host a nighttime gypsy party
17. Cook an authentic Indian dish
18. Visit an energy/reiki healer
19. Meditate every day-even if it's only for 15 minutes
20. Wear red lipstick
21. Sell everything I own that I don't use
22. Write a letter to everyone I love telling them what I love about them
23. Go dancing (I haven't done this outside my kitchen in YEARS!)
24. Get a swedish massage
25. Do yoga at least once a week at a studio...look into an instructor program
26. Watch every movie Meryl Streep has ever appeared in
27. Go to the middle of nowhere and scream at the top of my lungs and/or throw a private temper tantrum
28. Take an actual vacation (one week minimum) UNPLUGGED
29. .
30. .
31. .
32. Top secret/semi-illegal artistic activity/but seriously harmless/pics to come if I get the balls to actually do this.
33. Mr. B's choice (learn to shoot a gun) 
34. Throw a big party with lots of fuss for birthday #35

And of course, blog about them all.